Life
by KristieJCAL
Summary: ' Life. A simple word, yet the most complex thing that I have ever faced. ' JC/AL. Yes a second chapter. Reviews are my chocolate.
1. Open Door

Life By, Kristie  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters of the ER. I also don't own "Don't let the Sun go Down on Me," by the ever wonderful Elton John.  
  
A/N: this is JC/AL, of course because they rock. So, if you don't like them, don't read it. I'm not sure if I should continue or not.  
  
That is where you come in, you wonderful person you. =)  
  
Reviews are a girl's best friend.  
  
I hope you like the story. Abby's POV for now.  
  
---  
  
Life.  
  
A simple word, yet the most complex thing that I have ever faced. It's like a puzzle, too many pieces needed to be put together. My puzzle pieces are so completely scattered that it is difficult to see which one I should start with.  
  
I've thought many times to myself, what would happen if I ended it? Right here, right now, I could take the pills. I don't even have to do it slowly, dump the entire thing in my mouth, and just get it over with. It would be as simple as that. Get rid of all of my pain, tears, and overall problems. It wouldn't be difficult to do, and as quickly as I took the pills, I would be gone.  
  
But I can't do it.  
  
Why can't I? I've come to the conclusion it's my heart. Although I would like to believe I don't go for all the mushy love crap, I'm truly a sucker for it. I want so badly to fall in love. I don't want it to just be those deep feelings.  
  
Deep feelings can go away, love can't.  
  
I think that I've fallen in love before. A long time ago, I don't know why, and I don't understand why it was him. I just want it to be someone else, but he was the chosen one. He's the one I can't get off my mind, every waken moment I think of him. I want just a friendship, nothing more, that's all we could ever be.  
  
Okay, I know I've fallen in love before, and I'm still in love.  
  
It wasn't the boy next-door story or the serendipitous kind, it was just me falling in love, with him. It was just us. It was just a story of love. Of an every lasting craving for one another, never able to get enough of each other, or taste enough. I wanted him and he wanted me. It was the feeling that you never thought you would get in your entire life and you just know it will stick. We just knew it was right.  
  
It was that simple.  
  
Or was it?  
  
Of course it wasn't, life just isn't that easy and fair. Because if it was, I wouldn't be sitting here, thinking about him, and wanting his arms around me. I wouldn't long for him every night to kiss away my salty tears and I wouldn't have to imagine him, because he would be here.  
  
With me.  
  
And no one else.  
  
We were perfect. But now were not. Everything in the entire world seems to be against us. I never gave fate or destiny that chance I should have because now they won't give it to me.  
  
I know, we're so wrong for each other in so many ways.  
  
But, it feels so right.  
  
---  
  
I can't light no more of your darkness  
  
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white  
  
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me  
  
Frozen here on the ladder of my life  
  
Too late to save myself from falling  
  
---  
  
I go to work. It is the best part of my day and also the worst. Why do I still work there? I ask myself this question everyday. But then I catch a glimpse of him. Of his smile, and it gives me this new energy to my step.  
  
Stop doing this to yourself, stop.  
  
But the truth is I can't control it. That's just it, you can't control love and it's possibly the worst feeling you'll ever have in your entire life. Yes, it is great in so many ways, but when you can't have it and you know it, you feel lower then low.  
  
And that's the problem, I can't have his love.  
  
I know his heart doesn't belong to her, it belongs to me. I wonder to myself, does he spend every waking second thinking of me the way that I think of him? And I know the answer, because if he did he wouldn't be the person he was. He wouldn't smile the way he does, his eyes wouldn't fill my heart to with complete and total trust if he felt the way I did.  
  
But there's that one part of me that says you need to have faith. You have to believe that there is a chance.  
  
The smallest chance.  
  
But the most important.  
  
I wish I could tell him everything, explain my life, explain my heart. I can't, he used to be my best friend. He is, or so he thinks, or so I wish. No, I wish he was mine. I wish I could make him feel the way he makes me.  
  
Actually, I don't.  
  
Never would I want him to have the pain that I feel all the time because I love him too much.  
  
I love him.  
  
That's the simplest, yet most complicated way to put it into words. I wish that he would come towards me, take me in his arms, and whisper into my ear, "I'm yours."  
  
But he doesn't.  
  
He walks pasts me, winks, and flashes me that million-dollar smile that makes me go weak at the knees. And my heart wants to melt and tear in half all at the same time, but somehow his smile gives me hope. Hope that I will be his and he will be mine some day. Some day far off in the future.  
  
But, some day.  
  
---  
  
I took a chance and changed your way of life  
  
But you misread my meaning when I met you  
  
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light  
  
Don't let the sun go down on me  
  
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see  
  
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free  
  
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me  
  
---  
  
My friends often seek me for some kind of help or support. Usually not verbally, but a place to stay, a shoulder to cry on, a person to laugh with, and I'm always there with open arms.  
  
But I can't express the thoughts running through my mind. Those thoughts run through my mind as if I was a secretary typing a thousand words a minute. No, I was never good at expressing my feelings, ever. That's what drove him away, maybe that's why he went to her. But I don't know why I couldn't be open. Tell him.  
  
And yet he was always there.  
  
At night he would kiss away the tears of deception, the tears of pain, the tears of fear, and just hold me, and say, "We're going to be okay."  
  
Oh how I wish we were.  
  
But somehow I get this feeling were not.  
  
He was my special someone. The one my heart chose. Why, why can't this pain and misery go away? Why can't he just come back? Why do I spend every wake less moment thinking of him? Why won't these tears go away.  
  
I wrap my arms around myself, and sit her. On a chair. A blanket wrapped around my body and my head in my arms, tears pouring out of my eyes. I'm not the type to get all-emotional, but he can make me emotional.  
  
I've never cried for someone.  
  
I'll cry for him.  
  
Whether it's my choice or not, I will cry for him. And I hear a knock at the door. I yell, one minute.  
  
I hurry into the bathroom and dry my tears. I whiten my face so it doesn't looked so flushed and I go to open the door. I hope it's someone who will listen. I hope it's someone that I can express my problems to.  
  
But when I open the door it's him.  
  
I'm not sure how surprised I was to see him. That's how all the stories go, but this one was different. We weren't a story, we were, are, real.  
  
He asks me if he can come in and I nod leaving the door open.  
  
---  
  
I can't find, oh the right romantic line  
  
But see me once and see the way I feel  
  
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm  
  
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal But losing everything is like the sun going down on me.  
  
--- 


	2. Life or Love

"Life" By, Kristie  
  
Disclaimer: don't own them... la la la. I also don't own this song by the ever wonderful Elton John.  
  
A/N: Okay, thank you to my only two reviewers, Mealz and carbyfan, who inspired me to write this second part. But if I'm just wasting my time, I will not write anymore to this. Anyone can review! Just say, it's great or it sucked. I don't care, I want feedback.  
  
Carter's POV today guys.  
  
And yes, this is still JC/AL. Sorry for all of you non-carby fans.  
  
---  
  
Life  
  
Somewhere along the road my life turned. It just fell into not millions, or even trillions, but billions of pieces. It didn't work anymore.  
  
I'm not sure what part of it didn't work, but something was missing, or rather, something was gone. But what? I knew that answer to that, it was far to easy. She was the one.  
  
No, not my girlfriend.  
  
Her.  
  
I want every moment just to take her in my arms, and say, don't cry, I'm here. I want everything. Actually, I don't.  
  
I just want her.  
  
Nothing in this world had ever made me happier; she can make me smile and just cares. I have this attraction to her. We just click. It works. It makes sense. And yet, we're not an us.  
  
And I know that I have people who care about me. Not the fake kind, the ones who have been there all along. The ones giving me a shoulder to cry on and just wanting to be there. Through thick and thin, black and white, tears and laughs, I know that there are people there for me. And now I just figured out why she is worth it.  
  
Because I love her.  
  
It's so simple, because I can't explain it anymore then that. I just have this part of my heart drawing me towards her. Why else would I lie awake at night, just thinking, about her.  
  
And I'm so incredibly afraid, what if she doesn't feel the same way as me, will I ever be able to tell her?  
  
I know the greater chance is no.  
  
But there is still always a maybe.  
  
And even the slightest possibility of a yes.  
  
---  
  
Don't wish it away  
  
Don't look at it like it's forever  
  
Between you and me I could honestly say  
  
That things can only get better  
  
And while I'm away  
  
Dust out the demons inside  
  
And it won't be long before you and me run  
  
To the place in our hearts where we hide  
  
---  
  
I see her everyday at work, and just can't take my eyes off of her. Her figure, perfect in everyway to me, her eyes, deep and content, and yet so lonely and far away. Her smile, is contagious and makes me smile even when there is no reason to. Her laugh, a gift of an angel.  
  
And as I walk past her, I smile and I wink at her. She returns blinking her eyes ever so softly, and giving me a slight smile. Everything I ever wanted was her.  
  
She is all I'll ever want.  
  
But I can't change my life. It's, well perfect in one sense. The one people see but really don't know, because if they had any idea they would know my life is a complete and total mess. That even though the person who I should really be thinking about is my girlfriend, I always figure out a way to turn my thoughts about her.  
  
And every time I wonder to myself, does she think of me this way?  
  
I know that she probably doesn't. I know that it's more likely for her jump off the roof then for her to feel this way, because if she did, she would have told me a long time ago. When I had her. Just in my arms.  
  
When I kissed her.  
  
When I wiped away all of her tears.  
  
But she never said it. Which is why I think she never thought it. Because if she felt any way that I did, none of this would be happening.  
  
Or would it?  
  
It's all of fate's fault, we we're perfect. Everything was. What happened? Why isn't she here lying next to me in my bed? Why isn't she in my arms so I can inhale her scent? I still remember.  
  
Vanilla and cinnamon.  
  
I remember running my hands through her hair and just staring at her every night. She was, no, she is the most beautiful person alive. And her hand would run along my cheek when she woke up.  
  
I can still remember her soft lips.  
  
And I need to know.  
  
I need to know what happened.  
  
I want to be an us again.  
  
---  
  
And I guess that's why they call it the blues  
  
Time on my hands could be time spent with you  
  
Laughing like children, living like lovers  
  
Rolling like thunder under the covers  
  
And I guess that's why they call it the blues  
  
Just stare into space  
  
Picture my face in your hands  
  
Live for each second without hesitation  
  
And never forget I'm your man  
  
---  
  
And I find myself walking along the sidewalk. Thinking about her again. Thinking about my life. And I know she was the one that messed it up. She is the one that made my head so screwed up I can barely think of how to tie my shoes.  
  
It's her fault.  
  
And yet, I wouldn't trade her in a million years for anything.  
  
Why?  
  
Because I love her.  
  
I walk past the hospital where we work. She's not there. She doesn't have a shift tonight. I've memorized her schedule.  
  
Yes, that is how completely captivated I am by her. I don't even know what floor my girlfriend's office is, let alone her schedule. And yet, I have this woman's schedule memorized to the very minute she is suppose to be there, till the minute she's suppose to leave. That can't be healthy.  
  
With any other person I would be considered a stalker.  
  
But it's just love with her.  
  
And so I find myself sitting on a park bench. And I see her apartment building. It seems so close I can almost touch it, yet so far I can't even see the window of her apartment. And I sit there, just staring. And wondering. About her.  
  
---  
  
And I guess that's why they call it the blues  
  
Just stare into space  
  
Picture my face in your hands  
  
Live for each second without hesitation  
  
And never forget I'm your man  
  
---  
  
And I walk.  
  
But not back home.  
  
And I knock on her apartment door.  
  
I ask, can I come in?  
  
She nods.  
  
And the door is left open.  
  
Now, I have to choose.  
  
Love or Life.  
  
---  
  
Wait on me girl  
  
Cry in the night if it helps  
  
But more than ever I simply love you  
  
More than I love life itself  
  
--- 


End file.
